Relationships, female empowerment and placing men in the submissive role
‘I am a firm believer in paywalling men. I will not reply to somebody if they haven’t paid for the privilege of speaking to me. It’s that simple.’
What do you think of when you imagine a sex-worker? What do you imagine them to be? How do you imagine them to live their lives?
In this part of the interview, Sarah reveals how sex-work can be an interesting exploration into the psychology of men. We discuss how playing the ‘submissive’ and asking to be financially dominated is a way for some men to unburden themselves from real-life responsibility and relinquish control. Breaking the taboo on sex-work as a career choice led by and consumed only by men, Sarah explains how the porn industry is no longer needed to represent female sex-workers. To Sarah, the sex-worker is not an object of aesthetic awe devoured by men, but a woman in charge of her own creative vision. These are not the words of a subjugated person, but an empowered woman.
M. In our previous discussion, we talked about how the content you produce for your clients is not protected online, as it is for other artists. How do you manage this?
If I find that one of my videos has been posted on a tube site, I have no problem in messaging the site and asking for it to be removed, saying ‘this is my property, this is my website, you can see that i’m selling it. You don’t have permission to sell it.’ But ultimately, I’ve found that my customer base is quite loyal. ‘‘Part of female domination, the clips that I make, is respecting the performer by paying for the content.’’ Financial domination forms part of the fetish. If you search on Clips4sale, you’ll find that ‘financial domination’ is the biggest category.
M. To me this reveals something quite intriguing about the ideals of ‘masculinity.’ Do you think the fetishisation of ‘financial domination’ says anything about how things have been changing in society with regards to gender roles?
I think the ability to create and share content has certainly contributed to women becoming more financially empowered. In terms of masculinity ideals, I think the concept of a man asking for a woman to be in control of their money and to financially dominate them does say something about how men see themselves in society and the ways in which they are empowered. In my experience, men conflate a lot of their self worth with how much they earn. Financial domination by a woman is taking that power that some men have conflated around wealth and being the ‘provider’ and reversing it.
M. I find it interesting that these certain types of men, your clients, fetishise the concept of being placed in a submissive role. What do you think it is about being submissive that is a turn-on? Why is submission so eroticised by these men?
I can only speak from my experience, but I find that a lot of my clients are very alpha-male in regular life. Often they have a lot of responsibility that they are looking to escape from. Some men may also just be naturally submissive and have been used to experiencing humiliation, perhaps in childhood, in the form of abuse or bullying. Even something like small penis humiliation, feeling feminised or embarrassed at school, can contribute to these kind of fetishes. I feel that for some men, asking for submission is taking control. To consent to humiliation and to ask for it from a woman, [who has historically been placed in a secondary role], can help them deal with their emotional issues.
M. So to turn to the other aspect of your work. What do you think about the online relationships you construct with men? What does this kind of contact do for them?
Some men are simply looking to ‘get off’ as a one-time thing. One client came along last night, for example, and just asked for a Skype show. He said he’s not a ‘lifestyle submissive’ but he finds that sometimes life gets on top of him and he can’t express this side of him with his girlfriend. ‘He needed one night to let off some submissive steam.’ Other people are looking to build more of a long-term relationship and establish trust with someone. Sometimes it’s not just about how they can ‘get off’ sexually. It can be a lot more emotional than this.
M. So in a way, the service you provide is more than sex and instant-gratification? You’re actually helping people deal with psychological issues and also creating a safe place for men to indulge their sexual fantasies outside of a relationship?
Yes, I would say so. I think it can be therapeutic for a lot of men. ‘There’s a lot in society about what a man should and shouldn’t be.’ They shouldn’t be sensitive, they should be sexually dominant etc. To be able to express an alternative side to a person that is going to accept them and won’t ridicule them is quite important for some of my clients. The irony of this is that I do ridicule men, but they ask me to. It’s the consent to ridicule that is important.
M. Do you ever feel like there are any negative aspects to operating in such a patriarchal system?
It can be frustrating. Sometimes I would like to put more work into making my clips a lot more artistic, but I often feel like I won’t be rewarded for it. Men are there for me, not for the quality of my videography. Also, having men commenting on your work, your body, or proposing clips that they think you should make when they’re not a paying customer, can be really annoying. A man sent me a message last week asking whether I had ever considered growing my hair longer, and proceeded to tell me that many men prefer women with long hair…
M. How do you manage men commenting on your appearance/body?
Luckily the nature of this kind of sex-work means that we don’t necessarily have to be polite to our customers. If we don’t like somebody, or disagree with something somebody says to us online, then we don’t have to deal with that. ‘I am a firm believer in paywalling men. I will not reply to somebody if they haven’t paid for the privilege of speaking to me. It’s that simple.’ You also just learn not to take people’s comments to heart.
M. Do you ever feel subjugated by men through your work? I think that a lot of the stigma surrounding sex-work comes from women who would perhaps feel used or undermined in this particular role.
There is certainly still an argument that we are being exploited and are objectifying ourselves because we are creating content to be consumed by men. But ultimately, this is all about personal choice. I personally think that having this career is liberating. One of the things I love most about camming is the diversity of women involved. It’s not restricted to a particular group of individuals. ‘Cam girls can be anything from supermodels to your girl next door. Anyone can cam.’ It’s not like porn where there is a certain way you have to look. There’s no man telling you what you should or should look like, what part you should play, how you should behave. ‘It’s not like we are trying to fit into a specific mould for men. We are what we are.’ There are enough consumers for each performer to have their individuality. There’s a paying customer and a market for everyone.
Would you say this is empowering for you? And does this now place the woman back in control in an industry which is supposedly run by men?
Well, yes and no. Sex-work is a huge industry. In my field, I have always been able to work for myself. For a lot of fem-doms (female dominatrix’s), being in control is obviously going to be a part of what they enjoy about the work. I am in charge completely of the content that I create, how creative I want to be, clients I choose to accept or decline and when/where I want to work. ‘With the beauty of the internet, women have been able to take control of their own image and livelihoods. We don’t need porn studios to represent us anymore.’
Part 1 of this article can be found here: